I realize that the first Mississippi River blog installment is a bit of a stream-of-consciousness mess… rambling about one particularly insane week. While I hope that it is entertaining (at our expense for the most part), it more than likely leaves a lot of questions on the table. Inquires such as “… so what are you doing?” Let’s start with that one and see where this leads us…

We are attempting to paddle the entire Mississippi River from beginning to end. This is commonly referred to as a “Source To Sea” paddle.

Starting Point: Lake Itasca in northern Minnesota. Also known as “The Headwaters.” The river is less than 100 miles from the Canadian border during the first few days. It starts as a tiny creek here.

Ending Point: The Gulf (of Mexico, of America, probably soon to be Gulf Of Mountain Dew Baja Blast) in southern Louisiana. The final town on the Mississippi River is Venice, Louisiana. If you like maps, look it up. It’s 80 miles south of New Orleans.

Total Length: Approximately 2,295 miles (the river changes slightly every year)

Total Time: 3 months (August, September, October)

States: 10 total. In order: Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana.

Now that you’ve got the general game-plan, let’s dive into some frequently asked questions provided by listeners like you (and drunk fishermen).

Do you just float the river or is there actually paddling involved? Unfortunately; the answer is unequivocally, absolutely, 100%, yes to paddling. It seems like a hefty chunk of folks envision this as a “float.” I get that. Believe me people; I wish and dream on a nightly basis for good “floating” conditions. That dream never seems to come true. A below-average headwind can send you backwards/upstream if you are “floating.” A strong headwind can render it impossible to make any progress, even if you are paddling. If simply floating along, you will be sent into fallen trees, the river banks, bridge supports, and through dam spillways to your  eminent death. I typically paddle 95% of the time that I’m in the canoe (the other 5% is switching the podcast I’m listening to or pissing in a bottle; more on that later, don’t worry).

Where do you get food and water? The Mississippi River has historically been the cradle of civilization in this region. Turns out, water is important and people tend to gather around it. Therefore, there are lots of established, old towns along the river to obtain water and food. During sections that are remote, we plan out the miles/days it will take to get more provisions. As badass as it would make us, we do not drink water out of the river. If you ask me, that sounds like a sure-fire way to get a new disease named after you… What do I eat? My food pyramid is more like two single, side-by-side bricks that are labeled “beef jerky” and “honey buns.”

Where do you sleep? This is all over the place… Everything from designated campsites with shelters, random spots on sandy islands, summer camp bunk houses, hiding in the dugouts of city park baseball fields, to permission to sleep on the back patios of bars after they close (that one is preferred and happens the most frequently). Finally, when it comes time for a shower and laundry; we find a cheap, lowly-rated motel in town. These are treats reserved to once per week or so.

What does your average day look like? In a way, this has been our most “adventurous” trip. Every single day has been this unique, wonderful, mysterious thing. I research the hell out of the map every day, but there are countless variables: wind speed, wind direction, water level, weather conditions, how many hammered boaters are going to buzz by you, what the bar owner says about sleeping on the patio, etc. The only thing that is relatively consistent is mileage. Currently, we are averaging 25 miles per day. That number is lower at the beginning and increases as we continue. Past that, who knows what will happen…

Keep the questions coming for future installments. We love to read them while at headquarters (any random dive bar).

Moving on to our next section: State Roundups! Anytime we complete a state, I’ll give my two cents on it.

Minnesota: It’s mind boggling to me that it takes us an entire month of the three month journey to complete Minnesota. From a tiny stream at the beginning, to lakes you can’t see across, to the center of downtown Minneapolis with barge traffic. Minnesota has it all. The long time consumption aspect is due to various factors like the river going due north in the beginning, the river zig-zagging more than any other state, and us being generally out of shape to kick things off. We’re big and strong now (key word big, my food pyramid doesn’t help).

The Minnesota Accent. Mind blown. I’ve kept a tally of every “don’t cha know” and “you betcha” that I’ve received along the way. I cheer internally every single time. Those quips are equivalent to our “bless your heart” in the south. The frustrating part is that people just can’t understand me. Example: We are at this gas station. I say “thanks for your hospitality and hope you have a good one” to the attendant. She stares at me inquisitively, like I had just spoken Portuguese. Boo Boo jumps in (being a fellow midwesterner) and says “he said thank you.” That’s all it took. She lights up and proceeds to wishing us a great adventure. Good thing I brought my translator along.

My favorite part of the State Roundup is giving out the “Best Town” award. Drumroll please… Minnesota’s award goes to Palisade! This midwestern gem clocks in with a whopping population of 169 wonderful humans. Time to take notes aspiring Minnesota towns: They’ve got a park right on the river that they encourage paddlers to legally sleep in. That park is complete with showers and all. Then, you wander up to a very diverse gas station. Need a new tent? Sure! Next, you saunter down the dusty main street to a bar that’s (get this) owned by the city of Palisade. It’s called “The Municipal.” Best part? The bartender is voted on and elected. The bar mayor is named Mike and should be a lock for all foreseeable elections. After crashing in the park (without a worry of police interference), you get some breakfast at the local diner. It’s the home of a line cook that throws a spatula at the wall whenever someone (me) has the audacity to order hashbrowns. On top of that noise, the local old men bring their own bell to ring when it’s time for a coffee refill. They need it pronto. God bless Palisade and thank you Minnesota.

The Palisade saga reminds me to venture into the best section of these blogs: the random stories. You’ve read the “Trail Tidbits” and the “Bicycle Bulletins.” Now it’s time for the…

River Ramblings!

Boo Boo totally demolishes his first pair of paddling shorts. I can’t begin to describe how much of a scene these make before he is able to replace them. They look like a kilt frayed in all the most precarious spots. “Excuse me ma’am, which way to the nearest convenience store?” – no response and speeds away. Probably due to the cartoon’ish underwear being clearly visible. He replaces them with a pair of bright yellow, 4 inch inseam shorts. Even better.

One day, it starts to get dark and we’re looking for any possible campsite. We are in a super remote area. Oddly, we pull up on a spot that seems to be the home of a few very nice RV’s that are seemingly in the middle of nowhere. We set up our tents. Then, Boo Boo proceeds to suggest that it’s the trophy collection of an RV serial killer. It was so plausible that I didn’t sleep well that night.

TWO. That’s the number of times (so far) that I have pulled up to a park for a break and witnessed people having sex in their van down by the river… Add that to the “average day” section above.

Boo Boo leaves me for a few days to go officiate his sister’s wedding in Oregon (congratulations, Paige). He utilizes an elaborate system of buses, airplanes, and the classic hitchhiker’s thumb. While he is gone, I get some work done and enjoy a quaint little bar. When I first get there, a regular appears to be giving a prison-style tattoo to the bartender. Perfect spot to write the first blog.

For the long-time readers of this blog, you’ll know that Boo Boo has a strict policy… “always grease the crease.” Well he forgets to follow his own wisdom at one point. He spends some time walking like a duck with a broken leg. Fortunately, I had an extra stick of Body Glide (crease greasing apparatus) and all has been restored. He says thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

Typically, the river-side towns have easy access to amenities from the river. Not so much in Trempealeau, Wisconsin. We are determined to get a cold beverage at “Muddy Waters Saloon.” This involves wading through the foulest smelling muck I’ve ever come across, scaling a hill of loose stones in wet sandals, and illegally jumping a train-yard fence. As soon as we sit down in the bar, the smell immediately starts to permeate. I do the only thing I know to do. Head to bathroom, get barefoot (keep in mind this is a dive bar bathroom), acrobatically lift my legs into the sink, wash them with hand soap, dry off with toilet paper (towels are out of stock), and get back out there. The ol’ fashioned “bar bird bath.”

Signing off for now. Can’t thank you all enough for tuning in. The feedback is the main thing that keeps us trucking out here on the tough days. Keep the questions coming. Send them however you prefer: comment here, socials, text, telegraph, carrier pigeon, etc.

Until next time, do what you love.

T-FUNK