Halfway! As we sit beneath that big ol’ arch in St. Louis, Missouri, we’ve paddled 1,150 miles from the headwaters and have 1,150 miles left to arrive at the Gulf.

The halfway point of the Mississippi River also happens to be the final dam of the river. After 13 dadgum portages and locking through 26 times (39 dams total), the great river is now free-flowing all the way to the Gulf.

Locking through the dams is quite the trip. The first one we approach is fairly intimidating, confusing, and tons of fun. The excitement wears off pretty quickly by the third dam or so. Until something interesting happens… here’s some stories from the lock & dam system:

• Dams can tend to have very strange currents/waves before and after the doors. This is not the place to fall out of your boat. Way too much powerful suction going on under the surface.
• At Lock & Dam #13, they cram us in the chamber with a barge. That makes for a pretty claustrophobic ride. 
• We are told by the crew at Lock & Dam #15 that it’s our lucky day. They inform us that paddle boards aren’t allowed to lock through but they are going to let it slide this time. They make sure to tell us that other lock masters won’t be near as accommodating. We never hear about it again and go through all the dams just fine.
• The dam highlight to top them all: While passing through Muscatine, Iowa. We see that there is a massive navy ship tied up in the harbor. We come to find out that it’s the last remaining World War 2 ship that is still functioning. It was on Normandy Beach for D-Day. It’s on a tour stopping in multiple cities so folks can check it out. Fast forward. We are pulling up to Lock & Dam #18 and call the lock master (as we do at all the dams) to see where they want us. He says we have 2 options. 1. Let the bigger boat just behind us go first and then we ride down separately afterward. 2. Go down at the same time as the bigger boat. We turn around to see what boat he’s talking about. Here comes the WWII warship. No brainer; we want to ride down with it.
• Apparently this makes the warship captain nervous, but it isn’t his call; it’s the lock master’s. After getting in the chamber, we are the nervous ones because the ship leaves its thrusters on the entire time. This creates somewhat of a whirlpool that we have to battle the whole time in order to prevent getting sucked up under the vessel. We survive and paddle out of the lock. There are tons of people on the shore cheering and watching the ship lock through. We princess wave to the entire crowd and thank them for specifically coming out to see us. We also appreciate the warship’s blank cannon shots celebrating our journey. All that for little ol’ us.

Let’s dive into a few questions from readers like you. (Keep them coming!)

Do you fish? Honestly, this is BY FAR the most common question we have received. The answer is no. Back to actively paddling 95% of the time. What about having a line drag behind you as you paddle? No. We go through weeds, sandbars, rocks, and fallen trees all day. That sounds like a nightmare. That line would be snapped in the first 5 minutes of your day on most days without you even knowing it. You could totally fish, but I would only do it during breaks. Suppose it just depends on how you want to use your breaks.

Speaking of breaks, why would you take a break if you can float (even if it’s at a slow rate)? Because your ass is in a constant state of pain from sitting all day everyday. Our breaks typically involve walking around in small circles in the bank. Or my personal favorite: lay on your belly with your hands under your chin. Rear end in the air to heal. That one always gets some looks from the fishermen.

What gear do you have?

• My boat is a Wenonah Voyager canoe. It’s 17.5 feet long and made specifically for one person to sit in the middle. It’s made of Kevlar (the bullet proof stuff) to keep it light so that it’s easy to carry if needed on one of those darn portages.
• I use a double bladed paddle (think kayak paddle) instead of the traditional single bladed canoe paddle. This is for speed and laziness.
• I’ve got a canoe dolly that straps to the bottom of the boat to make it roll when portaging.
• Life jacket (to those in the know: it’s the ancient one that I wear as a diaper to swim while on the pontoon boat).
• Sponge for bailing rain water out of the canoe.
• Bike locks (will explain in a later blog).
• Finally, the most important thing: my backpack. It has my tent, sleeping pad, sleeping bag, clothes, rain gear, first aid, toiletries, sunscreen, food, water, phone, bluetooth speaker, charging equipment, wallet, headphones, towel, disc golf discs, koozie, etc. If anyone is interested in a far more detailed list, hit me up.

We’ve completed two states since the last blog so it’s time for another installment of…

Best Town Awards!

Wisconsin’s award goes to… Fountain City! (Population 983): One of the prettiest towns to approach on the river. Set at the base of a couple tall bluffs. We pull up to a dock that is behind what appears to be a riverside bar and restaurant called The Lily Pad. The owner happens to be on the dock. We tell him what we are doing and he says we’re welcome to crash on their covered back patio after close. We tie up and head in for a cold beverage.

We sit at the bar. There is one bartender and a 12 year old’ish boy named Colten that appears to be the bartenders much younger brother. Colten is extremely inquisitive about the trip and hits us with some of the most thoughtful questions/responses that we’ve had to date. Highlight: “Do you have families back home?” I say “I just got married right before we started.” He shoots back with, “She let you do this?” I say “She’s not happy about it, but yes.” He hits me with, “Naw… I think she’s just already tired of you.” Touché, Colten.

We say that we are going to go across the street to grab some dinner at The Golden Frog. Colten insists that he will walk over with us. He gives us his menu recommendations on the way. We sit at the bar and (get this) Colten walks behind the bar and puts menus in front of us. Then, he see’s that a gentleman beside us has an empty glass, and says “Another round, Bob?” He then prepares a whiskey drink and stretches to reach it up on to the bar… Wisconsin is apparently the Wild West of alcohol laws.

We head down the street after dinner to a dive bar. Not only is the bartender under 21, but they are the manager and the only person working there. They are kind enough to put the Auburn football game on for me. We win. Thank you, Fountain City.

Iowa’s award goes to… Dubuque! (Population 58,987): We (unknowingly) pull into a private marina. The attendant there is kind enough to let us tie up to go into town and gives us the gate code for free. We are here to meet up with some of Boo Boo’s family that lives in the area. We go to meet them at one of the cooler sports bars I’ve ever seen. It’s time to watch the Iowa vs. Iowa State game. In Iowa. Any football fan knows how cool this is. For a few hours, I’m a die-hard Hawkeyes fan. We have a great time hanging out with his family.

Next, it is time to find somewhere to sleep. We head back to the marina and paddle to the other side of town. There is a good looking spot for camping and what appears to be a party going on in a building above the spot. We head up to the building and just before I open the door, I turn to Boo Boo and say, “There’s someone in a wedding dress in there.” He responds with a quick “cool” and shuffles right past me into the party. We proceed to crash a wedding in our paddling clothes, had a wonderful time, gave our best wishes to the happy couple, and slept in the woods 50 yards away.

Moving on to the final section of each blog. The total randomness that is…

River Ramblings!

• One of my favorite aspects of the Mississippi River is that we are on state lines at all times. Minnesota on our right, Wisconsin on our left. Iowa on our right, Illinois on our left. As mentioned above, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed temporarily adopting sports teams. Pulling for the Vikings in a bar on the Minnesota side of the river, just to cross over to the Wisconsin side and talk about all things Packers. Pulling up to a bar with the Cardinals game on and kick off conversation by asking, “How we looking?”

• One morning after camping in a park, an unmarked van pulls up and asks if we payed the campground fee. We say no and he says that it’s $14. As we are going to get our wallets, he realizes we are paddling the whole river. He says, “I tell you what, half price, $7.” We’re still not fully sure that this wasn’t a con. We’re inspired and contemplating getting some vests and clipboards (to look official) to patrol future campgrounds…

• During the visit with Boo Boo’s family, it’s decided that we are going out for a very nice meal at Duck City Bistro in Davenport, Iowa. We’re talking white table cloths, chefs greeting you in tall chef hats, the whole nine yards. I’ve never been so self conscious entering a restaurant. I’m in a sun hut, sunglasses around my neck, sweaty shirt, shorts, muddy legs, dirty sandals, and carrying a silly little water proof bag with my most important belongings. Obviously smelling like body odor on top of that. Then comes the real hit: A guy in a suit walking out pokes fun at me for having a “purse.” After a couple negronis and some lovely fish; I don’t have a care in the world…

That’ll do it for now. Entering the southern half off this long, strange trip. Looking forward to seeing hometown folks in Memphis the first weekend of October. Y’all come on out.

Until then,

Do what you love.

T-FUNK