I love that you’re here. Welcome. I called you a nerd in the final Mississippi River blog. You are my people. Enjoy.

NOTE: If you are confused, please read the blog “under” this one. Titled “Flying Mullets / Surprise Alligators / Bayou Bingo: The Final Mississippi River Blog” This is an appendix to that final blog. It’s nearly as cold as the robot I morphed into while I was typing it. Hopefully a little lukewarm here and there…

End Of Journey Stats

Task: Paddle the entire Mississippi River on/in a non-powered vessel.

Total Miles: 2,295 miles

Total States: 10 (Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Louisiana)

Total Time: 95 days

Average Miles Per Day: 25 miles

Longest Day: 55 miles

Canoe vs. Paddle Board

People frequently ask about our different vessels. Here’s a quick run down of the pros and cons of each (in my opinion). One important note: Boo Boo basically uses his paddle board as a sit-on-top kayak. He sits on top of it 99.9% of the time.

T-Funk’s solo canoe (17.5 feet)

Pros:

– Gear / Throw it all in like it’s a dumpster. Far less need for straps and organization.

– Dryness / I hardly ever get wet. Water can’t really make it up into the canoe (unless I get sleepy and start to tip over)

Cons:

– Emergencies / If you fall out, things can get extremely ugly, extremely quickly since there is no great way to get back in.

– Wind / The side and inside of the canoe basically turn into sails. This might sound good. I can assure you that it is not. The wind is going to take you wherever it wants when you are in a canoe. That is rarely where YOU are trying to go.

Boo Boo’s inflatable paddle board (13.5 feet)

Pros:

– Emergencies / If you fall in, climb right back on wherever you are. No coast guard needed.

– Wind / Far more low profile. Wind still sucks, but at least you’re able to paddle whatever direction you want.

Cons:

– Gear / Incredibly important to keep everything strapped down. Organization is key.

– Dryness / Boo Boo essentially stays wet all of the time from water coming up onto the board. This is not ideal.

Our agreed upon, final consensus? Do it in a kayak! We both agree that a kayak is basically the no-brainer option if you are solo. It has most of the pros and very few cons. The canoe makes sense if two people want to paddle together. (We’re close, but we’re not that close.)

River Sections

One of the most fascinating parts of this journey has been the “turning points.” I’m so surprised how many of the “dynamics” of the river can change in a snap and remain that way until the next major change.

Section 1: Lake Itasca, MN > Bemidji, MN (55 miles)

Straight up wilderness experience. If you have an “extreme” image of this trip in your head, this is where it takes place. Rapids, wildlife, fighting to keep the boat upright, rough camping, bad bugs, the river randomly dead-ending, middle of nowhere, etc. Most exciting section by a long shot.

Section 2: Bemidji, MN > Minneapolis, MN (432 miles)

Towns are sporadic. They pop up more as you approach Minneapolis. The two biggest/most dangerous lakes of the entire river. Dams start to show up. This is the “portage” section. All the dams in this section require portaging (getting out and walking your boat around them). There are designated campsites for paddlers. Lots of fishing boats. Maybe the best scenery of the entire river.

Section 3: Minneapolis, MN > St. Louis, MO (675 miles)

Best section of all (in my opinion). Multiple towns every day. Plenty of people to meet and fun to be had. Stealth camping at random places in town. Most towns are right on the banks of the river with plenty of places to dock and tie up. The dams have locks that you ride like a water elevator instead of walking around them. However, very minimal current due to dams, so paddling at all times is crucial. The big dams of this section create lakes that can become problematic/dangerous with wind. The barges begin to show up. Plenty of recreational boaters. Very good scenery.

Section 4: St. Louis, MO > Memphis, TN (396 miles)

Everything changes quickly after you pass the arch in St. Louis. You’re at the halfway point. You’ve just completed your final dam of the entire Mississippi. The river is now totally free flowing all the way to the Gulf. The current gets a supercharge here. You instantly go from fighting for 25 miles per day to knocking out 50 miles per day or more. There are still are fair amount of towns in this section. Recreational boaters are basically non-existent from here to the end. Sandbars for easy camping start to show up. The land flattens out and provides fewer views. The barges double in size.

Section 5: Memphis, TN > Baton Rouge, LA (507 miles)

The most remote section of the entire river. You begin to thoroughly plan out your food and water when you depart from each of the rare towns. Most of the towns in this section take extra effort to access (example: paddling 5 miles up a side channel to reach Greenville, then walking a mile to get to the closest store). The current is still moving at a fast pace. The biggest whirlpools can be found here. This is massive sandbar camping heaven. The sand rivals any beach you’ve ever been to. Went multiple days/nights without putting on any kind of sock or shoe.

Section 6: Baton Rouge, LA > Venice, LA (230 miles)

The final big transition. For reasons that would be too nerdy to discuss here, the river slows way back down. You get your first interactions with massive oil and shipping tankers. These make the huge barges look itty-bitty. Tons of industry: primarily oil and chemicals. First time you truly have to keep your head on a swivel at all times to be safe and avoid the commercial traffic. However, it can be awesome and fascinating. The sandbars basically end, so back to the woods on the bank for camping.

Hike vs. Bike vs. Paddle

Now that you’ve done all 3 types of travel, which is your favorite?

Let’s break this down by category:

Scenery: Hike / It’s tough to beat a mountain-top view that you can’t access via car or boat.

Weather: Bike / Easiest to escape a bad situation like a surprise storm. Head toward a gas station or get under a bridge.

Physically: Paddle / All I really deal with on a constant basis is my butt hurting. That’s very minimal (all things considered) compared to the other journeys.

Access To Food & Water: Bike / Go wherever you want and get whatever you need at basically any time.

Camping: Hike / Very rare that you have to deal with the stress of camping on private property or finding a campsite that will work.

Towns & Fun: Bike / You’re constantly in civilization. Just aim that handlebar wherever you desire.

Rewarding: Hike / Nothing beats the feeling of reaching the tip-top of a mountain by foot with everything you need on your back.

Average Stress: Paddle / The most average of average’est days feels pretty darn chill compared to the other two categories.

Safety: 3-way tie / Hiking = bears, snakes, and lightning, Biking = cars and RVs, Paddling = barges and whirlpools.

Overall, here is my current ranking. They are very close though. Bike and paddle feel nearly tied. Apparently these little feet just feel plum tuckered.

1. Bike

2. Paddle

3. Hike

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Thank you again, earthlings. I’m happy to do an installment that actually might be of some use to someone down the line. Fire away with any of your nerdy questions. I truly love them.

T-FUNK